Ready to date?
One question that we get asked often is, “when can I let my child date?” This is a very good question. In general, dating implies some form of intimacy which involves emotional closeness. A desire to single date typically comes from a longing to be physically close to someone who is attractive. While these feelings can and do begin in middle school, there is mounting evidence that parents should NOT let their middle school children act on these sentiments.
An article in the on-line Newsweek Magazine reports that middle school students who date are setting themselves up for catastrophe. According to research conducted at the University of Georgia, teens who “couple up” in middle school are four times more likely to be high school drop outs and twice as likely to use drugs and alcohol. In addition, they are more likely to suffer from depression and other risk behaviors.
The findings from this research team seem logical to us because youth between the ages of 12 and 15 are not capable of processing and controlling the physical and emotional stimulations that accompany dating. For starters, a typical middle school youth is undergoing tremendous hormonal changes. These changes directly impact not only the youth’s reproductive system but also the nervous system; in particular the child’s brain. The major brain activity for an adolescent is the completion of the circuitry that connects all of the lobes of the brain to the “thinking” frontal cortex. This delicate and complex rewiring of the brain determines the capacity for rational thinking and decision making in adulthood. During the teenage years, the development of the brain is slow and methodical. It is not changing at the same pace as the other physical changes that make the child appear more like an adult. What does all of this mean? Even though your child looks like they are mature, his or her brain is not fully functional and should be treated as such.
During this time of intricate neural development, your child will think less clearly, find it difficult to understand and read emotions and be more impulsive. All of these tendencies in and of themselves spell trouble. But, when they are joined with dating, the problems that result can be even more treacherous and disastrous.
We strongly suggest that parents postpone single dating until after the age of 16 because a 16 year old has greater self-discipline and self-knowledge than someone younger. Dating before the age of 16 is more likely to lead to risky behaviors and abuse. We have another dating rule to consider. When you do allow your child to single date, discourage them from dating people more than 2 years their senior. Older youth are more likely to take advantage of the younger person and to promote unhealthy risks.
For more information about adolescent brain develop, consider watching the Quick Facts about Adolescence segment that is part of the Teaching the Way of Love series.
Photo Credit: Middle School Dance 2006
Photographer: Carole Powell
https://www.flickr.com/photos/westwoodschools/153748457